Find Someone that can…

I’ve always been someone with rocky relationships. Be it platonic friendships or romantic interests, something always seems to go wrong. Perhaps it’s just been a matter of associating myself with the wrong kind of people. I don’t think everyone in my past are horrible people. Some I’ve meshed well with for a number of years; yet, things still went south in the end. People grow apart, conflicts arise… some conflict that can’t be resolved, and that’s life for you. Some people are just meant to be passing characters in your life… there for a set number of chapters to serve a specific purpose, and afterwards, you carry on with your journey leaving them behind. In a way, I’m thankful to everyone in the past who have taught me many valuable lessons about myself and what I’m looking for in those around me. The type of friends I need in my life versus people I simply cannot tolerate due to unhealthy dynamics, as well as romance that is worth putting in the effort for.

Two years ago I met someone I clicked with instantly, though, I was already in a relationship. A failing one I might add. We tried to make it work, but in the end we acknowledged we’re much better as friends than lovers. With that arc over, I moved on to the next, revisting the one whose spark was never allowed to burst into a flame due to my previous commitment. We were honest with ourselves and what we wanted; taking it emotionally slow just to see where things would go. Over time, I found myself falling in love with him, though he was still hesitant with his feelings. That was fine, because love is patient, right? The waiting game paid off because we developed a strong relationship. We’ve had some bumps along the road, but we always seem to get back to a good place.

He treats me better than anyone ever has, and I too treat him like the King he is to me. Even though we may have disagreements, we resolve our issues with calm, rational discussions, taking into account one another’s feelings, acknowledging where we both went wrong, and noting how to improve so we don’t have a repeat scenario, or at least how to better handle it if it comes up again. He’s someone I feel in my heart I can share my life with.

I’m eternally happy that I could find someone that can:

• Make me smile through my tears
• Help me find my inner strength to battle all my demons and become genuinely happy in life
• Be loved by all my friends and family, because those are the people who have my best interest in their hearts and only want the best partner for me
• Support my dreams and help make them a reality
• Motivate and support me in my studies
• Make me feel confident in my own skin
• Provide strength and support when I feel too weak to stand on my own, because no matter how tough we are, we can always use a little help sometimes
• Motivate me to keep improving myself
• Help me grow as a person

The last point is most important to me. I’ve learned over the years, not just with my current partner, but with my true friends as well, that the people we keep in our lives should have our best interest and help us grow, as we should for them in turn.

“Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. Life is too short to waste your time on people who don’t respect, appreciate, and value you. Spend your life with people who make you smile, laugh, and feel loved.” 
― Roy T. Bennet, The Light in the Heart

New Perspective

One of the most frustrating things when coping with depression is the longing to be happy.

This may not be everyone, but I have realised that with myself, I idealised happiness as though it is a definite and static emotion, disregarding the vast spectrum of other perfectly fine and normal emotions that we may experience.

It’s this very black and white type of thinking that interferes with the growth and progression of everyone who struggles with depression or anxiety.

But emotions and our mood are not black and white.

It’s a dynamic and ever changing thing, all part of the beauty of being human.

Just because some moments may seem really dark because we’re on a low, doesn’t mean we’ll never get up again and feel better.

Too often I’ve been consumed by the negative thinking that because I’m depressed now, I’ll never be able to feel happy. I put myself in a box without any room to grow, develop, or experience anything else. Stuck in a loop of depression because I could not acknowledge that happiness isn’t 24/7.

The best shift in my way of thinking has been accepting that being a happy person does not mean smiling every minute of every day, with things always being okay. Rather, you can be a happy person and go through all the motions of life — the pain, the tears, the smiles, laughs, anger, anxiety, and everything in between, including depression.

I try living life with this new perspective in mind. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have bipolar disorder, but it does not define me as a person, as long as I choose for it not to define me. I can live life in that box of the “this or that”/black and white thinking, or I can look beyond that to see that regardless of having a mental illness or not, everyone has good and bad days. What makes the difference is how we approach the bad days.

Sure, I have bipolar disorder. I know that there will be times when I start feeling depressed regardless of how well I’ve been doing. This weekend actually, even though I had my boyfriend and some friends over for board games, good food, and good company, I couldn’t totally shake the negative feelings. After they left, I cried. I don’t know why, but I had just been overwhelmingly sad. In the past, I’d reinforce the very false idea that this is all that life is — toggling the depression switch at random, so why bother trying when it’s going to happen again? This time, I allowed myself to cry as much as I needed to without sending myself on a guilt trip for not being “normal”. 

I’m riding the depression wave and I’m actually okay with it. I know that having moments when I feel depressed doesn’t mean that I am a depressed person; and I also know that it is only temporary and not a state of permanence as I once so hopelessly believed.

Definitely, this new way of thinking has helped me over the past year when I faced many challenges, and now I truly understand what psychiatrist mean when they say that coping with bipolar disorder gets better with time/as we age. We just need to go through all the rough patches first and find what works before getting to a place where everything is manageable, but it is very possible to get to that place ^_^

“Sometimes all it takes is a tiny shift of perspective to see something familiar in a totally new light.” — Dan Brown

I’m Back, and this is why I’ve been gone for so long!

Hey everyone! Happy New Year!

I’ve been on a hiatus for most of 2016 for personal reasons. Sure, there were moments when life became beyond overbearing, but that’s not why I was MIA. Honestly there were a lot of moments when I really wanted to post so I can share exciting things with you guys. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it simply because… well some people are jerks  No other way to really put it.

While the Chinese New Year Calendar had 2016 as the Year of the Monkey, to me, based on observations from lurking on Facebook, listening to other people’s complaints and venting, as well as my own personal experiences, it seems like 2016 was really the year of the Snake .

I’ve never seen Snakes on a Plane, but I’ve seen a bunch of them slithering around my university and in day-to-day life 

So grab your popcorn if you’re ready for this story:

Real talk, the reason I didn’t want to post was because two individuals, at what was seemingly their last act of desperation to split up me and the S.O., decided to link him my “Loving You” post that I made a few weeks after our short breakup last April. Like zero context. Just a random link in the midst of a rant. It doesn’t bother me if my bf read it since it’s literally a post about me still loving him despite the hurt… and we’re in a relationship so what’s so wrong about me loving him? Something I tell him all the time too  I never figured out the logic behind what supposedly makes my post so damning and me the worst gf in the world 

It’s not that they linked it to him that bothered me and made me not want to post for a while, but rather that they tried to make it seem out of context for their personal agenda. It of course had me really paranoid for a while. It had me thinking, what else would they try warping just to make me look bad? And I don’t even have to ask around to know that they not only tried making me look like trash to my bf, but rather everyone else around me – friend, foe, or stranger. Which is pretty petty, but if it’s anything that university has taught me, is that people, regardless of their age, can be petty af, even if it’s unwarranted. However, it’s also taught me that real friends ignore the drama llamas and their propaganda; and I am tremendously thankful for said real friends ❤

The logic behind their actions between February to either May or June… well I still can’t find any after all this time. To me it’s just two sour petty people being sour and petty to an extreme level. Sure, I wasn’t on the best of terms with this former friend and her S.O.; and maybe severing ties with them catalysed their vile behaviour.

I’d admit that back in 2015 I was a bit of a jerk to this girl (honestly if I could eradicate 2013-2015 me, I would because not good times for me xD). Not only was I mentally unstable, trying to readjust to meds after being off them for a while, but she was also mentally unstable and readjusting to meds. So that was just a ticking time bomb which eventually exploded badly. Tried to make nice, couldn’t, and I pretty much accepted that the almost 10 year-long friendship was dead, or at the very least not what it used to be. Oddly enough, it didn’t hurt me, but maybe it stung for her. Yet, I can’t fully wrap my head around why someone would go through the trouble to be petty and scheme/plot revenge for some months. I don’t know who has that kind of time but clearly they did.
**NB I take full responsibility for the instability and being a jerk since it’s my fault having been off meds since that was my choice.

It’s ironic though. All their attempts just made my relationship stronger. Not just with my boyfriend but my parents as well. Yes, they dragged my parents into their mess, including my mother with hypertension who had a stroke a while back and really didn’t need her blood pressure raised! If anything, take stabs at my relationship but purposefully use my parents as pawns and make my sick mother even more sick… well that’s a level of low that only people with no conscience can achieve.

In the end, everything worked out for me. So thanks guys  You tried to break me, but in fact, everything you did was laughable in the end since it backfired. Sure, real paranoia surfaced since I refused to blog or post on any social media for a while, but it was a good thing for me. Off the web and connecting with the real world and the real friends around me was the best medicine I’ve ever had, and I’ve been the best me I’ve been in a while. Grades improved tremendously (A’s and B’s, nothing less ), I’ve been trying new hobbies and having fun, mental health in a good place, self-confidence boosted, and I even survived things that would’ve crushed me mentally in the past.

Moreover, I’m back to my WordPress 

While most people are all “oh 2016 was the worst year” (maybe it really has been a terrible year for Hollywood), for me, it was a year of growth and development through roughing out the tough times, and making my own good moments happen despite all the bad.

I’ve found my happy place and what makes it work for me, and I hope a lot more people struggling with their mental health can also find what works to get them through all the hard times. In the end, once you keep fighting, no matter what life throws at you, you can win the battle! Stay strong everyone!

xoxo
thatborderlinegirl ❤

Loving you…

Liking you was easy because of your air of charm
Liking you was easy because your soul is filled with passion
Liking you was easy because I felt safe in your arms
And it was especially easy because you liked me back

But loving you… loving you was hard…

It was hard because nothing I did could stop you from hurting
It was hard because I knew you were holding yourself back in life
It was hard watching the fire in your eyes slowly die
Most of all, it was hard knowing you’d never love me in return…

Though I must admit, loving you isn’t what hurt.

What hurt is that you walked away without even trying
What hurt is that in the end you treated me as though I was nothing
It hurts because I feel as though I’d never be good enough
But what hurts the most… what slowly kills me day by day on the inside is knowing that you’re hurting me just because you’re scared that you actually started to feel.

Yet, here I am a fool, typing away at the keys;

Longing for you… and still hopelessly loving you…

Anyone has advice for anxiety?

Hello faithful followers and anyone new who may stumble upon my blog! I hope you all are well and good 🙂

Recently, I haven’t been so hot myself. Mostly I’ve been stressing over some decisions to make with regard to my major at university. It’s been frustrating, but not as frustrating as a thought that occurred to me today. My classes resume on Monday 18th. In a couple of days I’ll be back out to school, on the campus that just fills all of me with major anxiety. I have no clue why, but school is a definite trigger for my anxiety and eventually I get a bit depressed as well since I’m unable to function like a regular student.

I’ve had experiences of running out of classes having panic attacks, being unable to focus since my head is filled with irrational thoughts, completely breaking down and being sent to the health service unit to speak to a doctor or counsellor, unable to make notes because my hands would be so shaky from nerves, and many other things that hinder my learning experience.

As I prepare for a brand new semester,  I think it’s about time that I take control of this classroom anxiety and stop allowing it to prohibit my progression at university. So, I’m reaching out to you guys for some assistance. What are some tips and tricks that you all can suggest to deal with anxiety symptoms?

I really look forward to some responses and hope that someone can  help!

Thanks guys!
xoxo Nicky ❤

The little things

“In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”
― Gordon B. Hinckley

Three years ago I started university. I met the most insane yet lovable group of people I could ever encounter in life. Now, some of us have left. Some of us are on the verge of graduating. And me… well I still have an extra year of studies that I’ll be spending on my own because this wonderful group of friends have all started going down individual paths in life. Perhaps this is why I ponder more on life lately, and where it’s taking me. I’ve been really stressing myself wondering whether I’d finish my degree and when; whether I should switch to a different major; when I’d get a job and what kind of job it would be; if I’m pursuing something to please my parents or myself. Everything has been hectic and all the days just seem to blur together, except the days I when I see my friends and I’m reminded to stop and appreciate the little moments, because before you know it, it’s over.

Sometimes we get so caught up in this fast paced life that we forget to stop and appreciate the little things in life. Like sipping on a good cup of coffee. Or sitting on a park bench with your friends, discussing as many intricacies that pop into your mind. Life goes by so quickly without us even realising it. Hence, we have to savour every moment of it while we can.

In the past three years, I know there were many little moments with my crazy bunch of friends that still make me smile up until this day. Moments I miss. Moments I hope can be recreated. Such as the random movie days during our free time between classes. Or the pool vibes. The coffee dates and the spontaneous trips to the mall. Getting pizza together, and not to mention all the disagreements that come with it when deciding on toppings. The adventures we have when my friends take directions from my directionally challenged self (okay this moment is one that should just remain a memory lol). Stopping for pholourie on the way home when we’re carpooling. Oh, and I definitely can’t forget playing Rock band together and my ultra white girl moments while singing Lady Gaga songs XD

I must say, we’ve had a good run together, and I hope it’s not over yet.
Squad goals: be the group from How I Met Your Mother.

I’m not sure what life has in store for us as a group, but I do know that for now, I’m going to relish every little moment we share.

“If you have good friends, no matter how much life is sucking , they can make you laugh.”
― P.C. Cast

Struggling

“I’ve gone through stages where I hate my body so much that I won’t even wear shorts and a bra in my house because if I pass a mirror, that’s the end of my day.”
― Fiona Apple

Lately I’ve been struggling a lot with my self-image.

Everyone complained, “oh you’re too skinny, you need to put on some weight; you look sick…” etc. I was perfectly fine with the way I looked. I was thin. I was happy. Now, I’m a version of the old me with some curves and everyone seems satisfied. That is, everyone but me.

I made the decision to actually change my eating habits so I can transition from being underweight to having a normal/healthy weight. However, that was mostly to appease everyone else and get them to stop calling me too skinny or telling me I have no butt and saying basically everything that made me hate the body I was in. The thing is, I still hate the body that I’m in, just this time the self-loathe is even more intense.

Personally, it’s not easy from seeing your body go from model thin to well… normal I guess. On some days, I feel comfortable in my skin and think to myself, “hey, I look amazing.” On most days, I look at myself in the mirror and feel like I’m staring at Fatty McPatty. Sure, I have a bigger butt, nicer legs, and I look all shapely while still maintaining a small frame, but frankly I was very comfortable being a stick and I just want my body back. The struggle here is that I know where I am now is a lot healthier than where I was before, however this new body has made me more insecure in my own skin.

This entire situation has me questioning whether or not there’s something wrong with me. After all, if everyone else says I look a million times better now, then what’s the problem, right? Though, if I’m unhappy, doesn’t that still indicate that there’s still an issue at hand? I’m being showered with compliments, but I don’t see what anyone else sees.

My therapist thinks I might be on the verge of developing an eating disorder. Could she possibly be right about that? I don’t know. It doesn’t feel that way to me, although, at this point I do hate myself so much to the point where I’d rather stop eating on a whole for a while until I can be the old me again. It’s funny. I’m a university student majoring in Human Nutrition and Dietetics. I’m learning about how to nourish the body, yet, here I am being hypocritical with my own lifestyle.

I think to myself that I should stop worrying so much about what other people think about me, and start doing what makes me happy. But when the thing that makes me happy is questionable, what really is the right thing to do?

 

Merry Christmas!

Hey everyone! Just wishing you all a Merry Christmas! I hope everyone has had a delightful day today; one filled with love and joy in the presence of those dear to you all. Even if you spent your day alone, I hope things were still fun and relaxing.

My Christmas experience this year was one filled with trials as various things went wrong, but somehow I managed to pull it together. So shout out to anyone else who had obstacles this year but still kept it together!

Take care!

With much love,
xoxo thatborderlinegirl ❤

In losing you I found myself

In losing you, I found myself. The part of me you hid so well. The part you put restrictions on; from the way I spoke to whom I interacted with.

The girl I’ve long forgotten; her existence now seems so surreal. Reassembling the pieces seemed like the hardest part, because the picture that was shattered became a distant memory of what once was. So many questions I had to ask myself before I could be reformed. What were my likes and dislikes? Do I even recall how to laugh and smile? I almost don’t remember who I am anymore, but the image is defogging and I gradually recognise this face in the mirror.

I know that person staring back at me. The good-natured soul filled with love and care; with aspirations for better out of this life. I see the girl who cherishes kinship bonds and is firmly loyal to those in her life. Oh, and I know that look in my eyes and the curve of my lips when I am delighted. The gleaming eyes when smiling is so elating; mostly because it shows that I’ve found reason to let joy in my life again.

Joy… how we became mere acquaintances for quite some time. Sorry for closing the door on you. If it were up to me you’d never have been shunned. I let myself slip. I let myself be entranced. I let myself be conditioned to be a mindless drone to something disguised as love. How did I not see how unhealthy the dynamic had become? Thankfully that bond is broken after extensively trying to pull away.

I can be free now; free to live life my own way. Free to speak as poetically as I wish instead of being blunt the way you are. Free to see my friends and not check in with someone every single moment. Free to enjoy my hobbies and have time for family. Free to be me again, because in losing you, I found myself.

Stuck

Stuck. I don’t think there’s a word that can better describe how I feel now. Everyone seems to be moving forward in their lives — getting jobs, degrees; developing skills that are actually useful; moving out — going onwards in life. Meanwhile I’m continuing to slip. Everyone has something, but what do I have? Nothing… Nothing but a dream that I need to let go of… A dream that is far from ever coming true.

I always thought that regardless of how many sacrifices must be made, or how long it takes, fighting for my dreams would be worth it. However it’s time that I be a realist and realise that a writing career is not in my future. If anything, my skills are mediocre in comparison to the incredible pieces others have produced. I know it won’t happen, and now I’m left feeling stuck.

Stuck doing a degree that I chose as nothing but a pass-time until I could get a job within the field I actually dreamed of being in; a degree that brings nothing but misery as I’m not passionate about it; a degree that I’m on medical leave from for the second time because university acts as a major trigger for most of my mental health problems *sigh*

I have perhaps 2 years left in this hellhole school when I really should be graduating at the end of this current academic year. However my time in purgatory has been extended because my buddies depression and anxiety coaxed me to engage in their truant acts, thus holding us back.

I honestly don’t know what I’m doing in life anymore. Even if I obtain my BSc. I’d still be stuck. I know I can’t handle a Masters degree anytime in the near future, and even if I go on to my Masters, I’d be stuck in this backwards country because I know scholarships are out of my reach. Ever since my last bout with depression during exam time, my GPA took a turn for the worst. Moved from being able to graduate with honours to now just passing. I think to myself that I should be happy that I still manage to pass, but it’s not gratifying when your friends are getting A’s and are on the road to being an honours student.

I thought that could be me. Worked hard for good grades in the beginning only to murder my GPA with my accomplice depression. It angers me to levels beyond comprehnsion that I’ve allowed myself to fall this far down. Maybe if I manned up and pushed through my whirlwind of feelings instead of wallowing in despair, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I watched myself fall and did nothing about it. Now I’m just a remnant of my former self, and I immensely loathe the pieces that are left behind. Now, I’m just stuck.