Maybe I was just crazy
Or maybe, I was just a girl… interrupted.
– Girl, Interrupted (1999)
The age old question: Who am I?
One of my favourite ways to analyse myself is through the use of Erving Goffman’s 1959 theory, Dramaturgy, displayed in his book “The Presentation of Self in the Everyday Life.”
We can thank Shakespeare for playing inspiration to Sir Goffman.
“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts.”
– William Shakespeare, All the World’s a Stage monologue.
Dramaturgy claims that our actions are dependent on time, place, and audience. Also, that one’s identity is constantly being remade. Thus, the self is seen to not be derived from the possessor, but rather the whole scene of his action.
Goffman divides the self into three parts:
1) Front Stage – our actions are visible to the audience and are part of the performance. It consists of settings and personal fronts. Our front stage self is a fixed presentation.
2) Back Stage – the actor steps out of character without disturbing the performance. This is where true intentions may be displayed as the audience is not present.
3) Off Stage – the actor is no longer involved in the performance, but the audience is present. Thus, unconsciously, a performance may still be given.
There is so much more to this theory, but I only wish to highlight the three aspects of the self.
For me, I can relate to this theory. I acknowledge that in different settings my personality alters accordingly. Perhaps it is only natural that people change their behaviour in accordance to the setting. My front stage self differs greatly from my back stage self, which is also very different from the off stage self. However, there are few similarities of each aspect of the self. Perhaps, the constant shift in character it is due to the presence of an audience which results in a performance. When the concept of an audience is dismissed, then my true character is revealed, and this person is very unlike the one portrayed to the rest of the world.
Defining Nicky:
Front Stage Self:
– Traits: bookworm, quiet, reserved, kind, asocial, innocent
Back Stage Self:
– Traits: cynical, goofy, studious, driven, neurotic, impulsive, emotionally unstable, self-conscious, insecure, lazy, paranoid, loving, flirtatious, ambitious, caring, selectively social, inquisitive, open-minded, adventurous, sad, happy, persistent, self-aware, philosophical
Off Stage Self:
– Traits: bubbly, goofy, wild, carefree, “crazy” (the fun kind), brave, social, air-headed, temperamental, vain, self-absorbed, flirtatious, rebellious
Of course, there is a lot more to me than those few traits listed, but it gives a general idea of my personality. Some traits overlap with others, some contradict others, but all in all, this is me. According to the audience, some traits would be more prominent. Indeed, as Goffman suggested, behaviour is relative to the setting and the audience. Those who are strangers to me or people in authority as well as elders shall be acquainted with my front stage self. This character is also portrayed in situations that are new to me, or one that requires a serious aura. As the performance ends and the level of comfort increases, the audience is gradually introduced to my off stage self since I step out of the character portrayed while “on stage”. Finally, the select few people who I allow to get close enough to me shall see the veil of this character be stripped away. Then, and only then, in a situation of absolute comfort and trust; one where fear of judgement is washed away, shall the true Nicky be revealed. My back stage self is comprised of a variety of components. She can switch from a sweet, loving friend, to an explosive fiend in the blink of an eye. She can love you deeply, but hate you just as strongly if you cross her in all the wrong ways. She is forever searching for the meaning of life. The answers seem to elude her, and each time she thinks she has it figured out there is the reminder that life isn’t so simple, and one cannot easily unearth the mysteries of it. Life needs to be experienced, and through these experiences one can learn and grow as a person. The backstage Nicky realises this, and hopes to continue to develop from these experiences.
She acknowledges that there’s both good and bad in life. The good shall be appreciated; each moment savoured. The bad shall be taken as a life lesson, and an opportunity for growth. In this life, I know there will forever be the bad to balance out the good. Equilibrium. I also know this much: we have a choice. Are we going to let the bad experiences define our entire lives? Are we going to let them chain us down to some pillar of depression? Or are we going to simply let it go? We don’t have to dwell on our mistakes. We don’t have to hold on to regrets. If we choose to, we can simply move on. If one must think about it, then reflect on it. Analyse the situation. Dissect it. Look deeply into it so you can pinpoint the areas where you faltered, and discover ways to prevent it from being repeated. Don’t hold on to the anger. Don’t hold on to the pain. If you love yourself, you’d let it all go, and move on. You’d allow yourself to be happy. You’d allow a smile to weave its way back onto your face. We always have a choice. I may not make the right decision every single time, but I am going to continue to strive to be the best me that I can be. I’m not perfect. I never will be perfect. Perfectionism is just a surreal idea created by the messed up society we live in.
I may not have all the answers to life. I may never have all the answers. I’m still young. I have time to grow and discover more about myself with each passing day.
For now, to answer the question, “Who am I?” I shall say this:
I am a person trying to find herself, just as most of us do. I am a person with many sides. There are the good aspects of me, and there are the bad. You can either love me, or you can hate me. However, that’s only if you truly get to know me. If you are introduced to the sweet, innocent, on stage character, then you should know it’s nothing but a mere charade to uphold a respectable status. If you see the wild, eccentric part of me, surely, I can be like that. It’s not all fake, but it’s still not all of me. If you’re lucky, and you experience each part of me, then you would’ve been taken on an emotional rollercoaster ride. When I’m high, I’m really high. However, the laws of physics can also be applicable to my mood. What goes up must come down. If you’re one to get motion sickness from the constant ups and downs, then, for the sake of your sanity, I shall not take you along for the ride. There are other sides of me that can accommodate your comfort zone. However, if you are up for an adventure, then I wish you luck. If after riding this emotional rollercoaster once, you wish to return, then I know my fears of revealing the true me shall melt away. I cannot define myself with mere words, but rather express myself through my actions. So for one to know me, one must share experiences with me. It is what it is, and I am who I am. I won’t change for anybody, but only try to improve for myself.
thatborderlinegirl 