Everything’s not lost

You ever have moments when you feel totally hopeless? When you sit back, pondering on life, and realise you’ve been a screw up countless times. Decisions you’ve regretted? Things you wish you could go back in time and change? Yet, regardless of knowing how idiotic those choices were, you continue to repeat the same mistakes in a vicious cycle? Yeah … I’ve been there, done that. It’s practically second nature to me.

I’m sitting here right now, full of regret. I know I can’t turn back time, and I know the only thing I can do is move on from here. Just let it go *insert Frozen song here* Ha… letting it go… I wish it were that easy for me. Ever saw the popular tweet “I don’t hold grudges. We good. You may never hear from me again, but we good.” Well that sums me up so much. I forgive, but I surely don’t forget. The moment you cross me; the moment you break my trust… I promise you, you will regret it. With a fiery personality and explosive nature, I can almost guarantee that you’d wish you did things differently.

If there’s one thing I hate more than anything, it’s liars. I don’t see the sense of it. You know that I will find out eventually, and I have a pretty good intuition so I won’t buy the BS you’re trying to sell me. Really… why lie? Just be honest with me and I swear everything will eventually be okay between us. I know in the moment I’d be all fired up. I might snap. I’d really have to try hard to not say anything I know I don’t mean. I may need a little bit of space to just breathe and get over it, but I am going to get over it. I’m a pretty forgiving person… unless you lie. I already have issues with trusting people, so being shady and manipulative is definitely going to get you cut out of my life. You literally would not even exist to me after that.

*breathes* My blood is already boiling as I type each sentence here. I’ve never felt so betrayed in my life. What’s worse than being lied to in general, is having someone you held close to heart be the one who did it. All of my friends mean the world to me. Once you fall into that category, I will be by your side no matter what, through thick and thin. We may argue, have disagreements and all the works from time to time, but despite everything, if I call you my friend, then I’d love you to death. Thus, it only makes sense that my heart is shattering right now as I’ve discovered how fabricated each thing this person has said to me was.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person in the world who’s been cheated by someone they considered to be a friend. I, on the other hand, have the WORST coping habits.

My initial reaction was “I need a freaking Valium!” Thing is, the last time I felt I needed a valium, I ended up popping three of them at once. Second thought to cross my mind: “Why is my house out of booze?” Recently, I told myself that I no longer want to share my body with someone unless I’m in a serious and committed relationship, because I deserve better. Now, here I am, just wanting a quick fix; feeling as though I’m falling back into those same patterns. I fought back the tears, but I could feel them forming in spite of of how hard I tried not to cry. I’m hurting. I wish I could tear my heart out and not feel anything anymore. I’m trying to be strong, but maybe I’m not.

These past few days I’ve made posts on my blog that all ended with some sort of uplifting message. What I want others who are facing a similar situation, as well as myself to know, is that we should never give up hope. When we let go of hope, what do we really have left? Yet, here I am, at the brink of giving up again. It’s astonishing how it takes just one trigger to send me on a downwards spiral. I’ve been striving to be a stronger person. I told myself that I won’t let depression get the best of me. Yet, here it is, taking full control once more.

I have my valium. One pill is enough to calm my nerves and make me a little bit drowsy. Two would surely knock me out, and I’d wake up not remembering a thing that happened today. Three would guarantee that. Quick fix #1. Then of course, there’s the male from my past who resurfaced this week looking for nothing but just fun. Quick fix #2. But is this really going to “fix” things? Do I honestly think that a couple of pills and meaningless sex would make me feel better? Oh gosh… what honestly goes through my mind sometimes?

In times like this, I feel like throwing all my progress out of the window. I want to lock myself in my room, high off of valium, and just stay in bed forever. I feel like there’s no helping me. It is as though I can never truly be fixed. The thing is, I’m a person… not some item that needs repairing. It’s not as though you can take me to get serviced and everything will be fine afterwards. It is a process. I have to take this one step at a time before I reach to where I need to be; before I can find my inner peace. Emotions can sometimes be a challenge for the average person to keep in order, but when you’re a borderline person, you know that it is a never-ending struggle. It doesn’t mean that it is impossible to walk out of this triumphant. Right now, I feel as though all hope is lost. I know that I’m just caught up in a whirlwind of emotions that I can’t fully understand yet, but the reality of things is that all hope isn’t lost yet. I can fight off these negative emotions. I can learn to develop self-control. Having BPD does not mean that you’re a weak person. In fact, it just goes to show how strong we are. We are strong for having not given up yet. For still being able to face each day even though we’re scared. It’s not a losing battle, and knowing that we put up a fight every single day, trying to overcome our demons, just shows that we do stand in chance in this world, and we should not give up. I’m feeling down, but it will pass. I will ride this wave, and when it’s over, I will be better prepared for future challenges like this one.

“When I counted up my demons, saw there was one for every day. With the good ones on my shoulder, I drove the other ones away. If you ever feel neglected; if you think that all is lost, I’ll be counting up my demons, yeah, hoping everything’s not lost.

When you thought that it was over, you could feel it all around. Everybody’s out to get you; don’t let it drag you down. Cuz if you ever feel neglected; if you think that all is lost, I’ll be counting up my demons, yeah, hoping everything’s not lost.”

– Coldplay, Everything’s not lost.

First love…

L – is for the way you look at me *blush*

        O – is for the only one I see

               V – is very, very, EXTRAORDINARY

                       E – is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you

Love is more than just a game for two

Two in love can make it

Take my heart and please don’t break it

Love was made for me and you…

– Nat King Cole, L-O-V-E

Ah… L’amore. How it just fills your soul with the warmest of feelings. It’s nice, isn’t it? To have someone who can make your heart skip a beat each time you see them. Somebody who makes your heart pound against your chest, screaming with anxiety as your stomach twists and turns into knots. Someone who can make you melt when you hear their voice or look into their mesmerising eyes. To have your heart engulfed in the inferno that is love…

I can say that as a BPD chick, I’ve been there many times… or at least assumed that I have. However, it is only natural for people, regardless of their situation in life, to be faced with the mystery that is called “love”. Now, there is a great difference between love and lust; as well as love and infatuation. From a psychological point of view, love is a combination of emotions, cognitions, and behaviours, which often plays a role in romantic relationships. Sternberg’s (1986) Triangular model of love suggests that love is composed of three components: intimacy (closeness, bonding), passion (physical attraction, sex), and commitment. Different combinations of these three results in different types of “love” (according to Sternberg at least).

Liking = intimacy

Infatuation = passion

Fatuous love = passion + commitment

Compassionate love = intimacy + commitment

Romantic love = high intimacy + passion + low commitment

Consummate love = high intimacy + passion + commitment

There are many theories about love, but at the end of the day, I believe when you feel it; and I mean when you truly feel it, you’d know that cupid’s arrow hit you right in the butt and you’re all starry-eyed for one special person, and that no other could have a place in your heart like they do.

Looking back on my past, I see that there have been many moments when I have gotten that warm fuzzy feeling while with a male and came to the conclusion that I was “in love”. *laughs* Oh poor adolescent soul; challenged by the rapid hormonal changes and easy prey to the sweet nothings that have been whispered in your ear *shakes head*.

I’m still young, and bound to have more encounters with this feeling in the future. Would I be able to decipher whether or not it’s true love, or if I’m just riding an emotional high to eventually crash? I’m unsure. However, currently, I believe that I have come to understand what “love” really feels like, and perhaps, this could truly be my “first love” experience.

Having spent most days of the week with this person, surely there has been a connection that has formed. Not only do I see him in class (and sit next to him; probably chatting his ear off for the 2 hours haha), but outside of class we’ve spent a significant amount of time together. Watching a movie at his place, getting lunch together, making him endure the insufferable process of me deciding what to have for lunch *smirks* (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ausxw5sWkPk). Then the simple things like chatting over a cup of tea at a cafe, or the conversations in the car when I hitch a ride home. I can’t deny my attraction. I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t like him.

With a rep like mine, some might scoff and just roll their eyes thinking “oh another”. For me, it’s not just “another”. I know that I have a tendency to fall too hard too quickly. I’m that person who loves to be in love, and I cling to almost any opportunity to feel loved in return and have a shot at happiness. However, this is different. I genuinely enjoy this person’s company, even though I won’t always admit it. You know how when you’re a kid and another kid is being mean to you then some adult in your life (parent, teacher, etc.) tells you that they’re mean because they like you? Well I guess I haven’t grown out of that habit and I can be a bit of a meanie head >_< Maybe this is why, to him, these feelings may simply fall into the category of liking or infatuation for me. It’s not though. I do feel a deep connection to him. I love the time we spend together. I love our little banters. I secretly like when he pokes me in the side in the middle of class to make me jump when he hits that ticklish spot. I love how knowledgeable he is; and although we may have opposing views on certain topics, I enjoy listening to him express his opinions. (I mean, we’re all entitled to our opinions; and you can’t fault an opinion.) I receive great pleasure just by looking into his eyes. Words need not be spoken, for just gazing into his brown eyes is enough to satisfy me. His accent, though unlike that of people from my country (despite him being native here), is what makes him unique. I make fun of it sometimes, but I like it. When he smiles, I can’t help but smile as well. Okay, admittedly, I’m blushing! Then I’d try to cover it up with some cynical comment so I don’t stroke his ego too much by making him think he’s irresistible to me. Of course, whenever we kissed, it’s been more than obvious just how irresistible he is to me haha.

I really haven’t felt this happy in a very long time. He is aware of my emotional struggle, and like a good friend, he is supportive of me. I may have set myself up for hurt again, knowing that at this current time of our lives, neither of us could possibly handle a relationship with one another, but I can’t help it. What the heart wants, it wants, and will strive to attain it. At least that’s how mine operates. I have accepted that it is what it is right now, and I have to be content with what we have. No, he’s not some jerk to just toy with my emotions, and to avoid further damage, he actually manned up and made the decision I was too scared to; which is essentially to halt all romantic/passionate behaviour between us. It was a seriously bitter pill to swallow at first. I’m the kind of person who prefers to try and fail than to never have tried at all. Although, I know in my heart that right now I am not ready for commitment because there is a lot of growth and development to still be done before I can share myself (emotionally, intimately, passionately) with another. So, I suppose, better to stop allowing our emotions dictate things now than letting it go too far, otherwise I know I’d be crushed.

One may wonder why I’m writing about being in love when there’s no happy ending to this tale. Well, this isn’t some Disney princess story. My life is no fairytale. Don’t expect me to pull out some “happily ever after” line. This is reality. And the reality of the matter is, sometimes life takes us in directions we don’t always expect it to. We don’t always get want we want. As I once heard in (probably my favourite) TV show, House, “Things aren’t where they are just because we want them to be there…. of course that doesn’t mean it isn’t where it should be.” Every bone in my body tells me that what I am feeling is pure and earnest. Everything feels so right with this person. If it’s meant to be, then it would work out when it’s supposed to. In the mean while, I am glad to know that I have the ability to unconditionally love somebody; that my heart isn’t this cold, abysmal pit of nothingness existing inside of me. For now, I cherish every moment we spend together. I revel in the joy I feel when I’m by his side. I appreciate having him in my life as a good friend, and I care about him in more ways than I know he’d ever imagine.

The first love always seems to be a special thing to people; romanticised by most. Many of us dream to spend our lives with the first person who ever stole our heart. Others may not be so thrilled by that idea and wish to explore other avenues to not limit themselves and have “options”. *sighs* to each his own I guess. Me, I’m like your typical hopeless romantic. I am no stranger to a broken heart, and though, at this current time, the situation with my person of interest may not have played itself out in the most favourable of ways, I can honestly say that I am not disheartened by it. I know when heartache is experienced, we hurt, we cry, we wallow in despair. But why? Just knowing that someone can make me feel this strongly, frankly, it makes me feel alive. It’s a first I’d admit, but it is amazing.

Lately, I’ve been trying to change my perspective on things. In the moment when we’re wrapped up in emotions, we’re not thinking logically but just running with our feelings. I realised this has caused many instances in life that I wish I can find a magical undo button for. Moments that I know could have been played out differently if I hadn’t been so impulsive. When we look back on those times, I bet we wish we didn’t let our emotions take us on such a rampage. Having the epiphany that everything is all a matter of perspective has made things easier to cope with, such as this moment of heartache. Yes, I hurt. Indeed, I cried. I will however not wallow in despair. I will not pity myself. What am I going to do is be grateful for the happiness invoked in me by this person. I will paint a smile upon my face in his presence, and relish what we have as friends. I will not walk out of this being a victim of heartache. Rather, I will walk out with my head held higher than ever before, and as a much stronger female than I’ve ever been.